How people talk about problems reinforces coping, not solving and growing. Consider:
“My car broke down, so now I have to deal with that.”
That’s pretty common language. And it’s not “wrong” or “bad.” It encourages reacting to that situation –
- Laying Blame on the car – “Yeah, it’s a piece of junk, never know when it’ll break.”
- Justifying – “That’s just how cars are made now, they all suck.”
- Shame – “I’m so bad at taking care of my car, guess I deserve this.”
- Obligation – “I’ll just owe even more on my credit card, I have to fix it.”
All of these are you “at effect.” Something happens to you, and you’re the victim (even if it’s of your own negligence). They channel the upset into familiar pathways, lessening or removing it for a short time.
They might hold an element of “truthiness.” You might have bought a lemon, or you might have a laissez faire approach to maintenance. That nugget of truth or near-truth doesn’t block you from taking ownership of what you want. Unfortunately, your brain relies on that “truthiness” to assure you that you’ve made a reasonable decision in the moment.
Change How You Talk
Change how you talk about your problems.
Be “at cause,” where you are clear about your choices and free to decide on the best path for you.
What might that sound like? It depends on what’s actually true in that moment.
Not what you hope for, or what your assumptions and beliefs tell you.
- “I’ve had a lot of trouble with this car. Selling it and buying another one is unpleasant for me, I’d rather do that than keep fixing this one.”
- “It’s easy to blame ‘Big Auto’ for this. I didn’t do much homework on reliability before I bought this car. I’m going to do some research on things like recalls and long-term fixes for this model, so I don’t keep having problems.”
- “I took my car to get an oil change once and the guy made me feel like an idiot. Since then I’ve believed that I can’t do maintenance, because I don’t want to feel embarrassed like that again. Saying that out loud helps me realize that there’s no guarantee that happens again. And even if it does, it’s better than having breakdowns because I’m not maintaining the car.”
- “It’s hard for me to face not having a car, because ‘having your own car’ was a big status symbol in my youth. So I’m unwilling to consider alternatives to more debt like riding the bus, carpooling, or even cycling.”
These all hold more power and choice than their earlier forms. They require looking more closely and deeply at the problem and the upset and anxiety, in order to see what’s true for you. When you cope, there’s a conflict between what you’d really like to do or have and some belief or assumption you hold that you’re unwilling to challenge.
Confront
Finding your freedom, power, and choice happens when you’re willing to Confront the situation and the anxiety you’re in.
Confront is the key to talking 100% ownership of the moment, to being “at cause” not “at effect.”
Confront will help you change how you talk, think, and act about problems.
The Responsibility Process® can help you learn to grow your Confront. You already have that ability, and you can choose to improve and refine it. To be able to face more, and to have more of what you want.
Like most skills and abilities, you will grow more quickly and surely with a group sharing that experience, and a coach who’s been there before.
The Responsibility Company Immersion program can be that group and coach.
Your first step is to commit to an Intention of practicing Responsibility.
You can do this. I can help.