One hurdle that people learning to practice Responsibility stumble on is the feeling that taking 100% Ownership means “being at fault.”
You’re conditioned by cultural norms and past experiences to believe in “justice” as an assignment of fault and consequences:
- “Who broke the vase on the mantel? No dessert for you for a week!”
- “You were going 50 in a 30 zone, pay the fine.”
- “Timmy, you pushed Billy first. Go sit in time out until I tell you to come back.”
These structures and programs reinforce your natural coping strategies of Lay Blame, Justify, Shame, and Obligation.
They’re not solving the real problem. And you’re not getting to 100% Ownership.
Ownership Feels Unfair
Taking 100% ownership might feel unfair at first. Like you’re being told to “give someone a free pass” for doing you dirty.
Or that you’re having to “do all the work” of dealing with what happened.
That’s pretty natural. And it comes from programs you’ve learned in your past.
You learned control-based ‘solutions’ for upsets and problems. Solutions that only fix the upsets, not the real problems.
Taught by people stuck in reactivity to the upset of having to “deal with” your upset. So the message was often “you’re causing trouble.”
And often, “fairness” was whatever it took to get to peace for the adult. So you learned that ‘everybody gets to be unhappy.”
You weren’t set up to learn to own it; you were coerced into saying “the right thing” to end the uncomfortable moment.
Changing The Program
How do you change this programming as an adult?
Consider this. You’re at a traffic light. Someone driving behind crashes into the back of your car. Your car is ruined, and you’re sore but not seriously injured.
Does 100% ownership in that moment mean you were “at fault”? No.
You have two paths – react to the upset, or own what you want now.
Reacting looks like:
- You immediately feel like a victim. Something just happened “to you.”
- You lock in on Laying Blame on them for smashing into you, and expect them to “own up” and offer to fix everything.
- Or you can Justify, Shame yourself, or do something from Obligation.
- You focus on being “powerless” and that your wants and needs are unmet. Frustration and resentment build.
Owning your wants looks like:
- You 100% own that the event has happened.
- You own that you want to be whole again. You focus your energy on meeting that want.
- To have what you want, you can’t remain “at effect” and wait for things to happen to you.
- You’re not accepting fault, you’re accepting that you have the ability to choose, create, or attract your solution.
Does that take labor on your part? Yes. And if you truly wish not to perform that labor, you can accept whatever happens without your involvement.
It’s all about your choices.
Taking 100% Ownership
What does taking 100% ownership mean in Responsibility?
It’s all you and only you, 100% of the time.
You own your actions, your choices, your ability, your feelings, your wants.
Now, in this moment in time.
Don’t own someone else’s actions, choices, feelings, or consequences.
You’re not “at fault” for everything. You’re at ownership.
You can do this. I can help.