Ever felt like you needed to make polite excuses that aren’t fully truthful?
It’s taught as “social politeness” – offer something that sounds plausible.
Many times, the person you’re telling that little white lie to would be fine with your truth. It’s your anxiety and unease that you’re trying to deal with.
It may not be the “biggest” problem in your life. It’s harmless, right?
It reinforces habits and patterns of avoiding your anxiety. You get used to sabotaging your power and your wants.
This can be even more problematic in business.
Ruinous Empathy
Kim Scott calls this “ruinous empathy” in her book Radical Candor.
You tell someone that you can see how hard they worked, when they work they did was below the level required.
Give them the “shit sandwich” of compliment, criticism, compliment.
Spend one-on-ones discussing fluff, not talking about areas they need to improve.
Massage their performance appraisal so that they round up to “meets expectations” when they’re not even close.
You don’t know that they can’t do better. You’re not giving them the chance. Because you hold a belief that you can’t give constructive feedback.
Change the Limiting Belief
So how do you change the limiting belief? Whatever specific belief you hold that’s blocking you from sharing feedback with empathy and clarity?
Intention. You have to want to change, and that change needs to be based on what you want to become, not what you don’t want to do.
Awareness. Become aware of what you feel and say when you’re anxious in this way. Pay attention to what comes “just before” you opt for coping. The more aware you become, the more opportunities you have to practice change.
Confront. Identify the belief that’s limiting you, and face it. What does holding on to that belief do for you? Could you let that belief go? What other beliefs could you hold instead? What do you want more? Change without invalidating yourself.
Intention, Awareness, Confront. The Keys to Responsibility™.
Social politeness isn’t “wrong.” Polite excuses are not “wrong.” It’s up to you to understand if they’re masking a way you give away your full power and ability.
A pair of quotes to consider –
“Deciding that someone else’s face should be saved is an act of mistrust of the other person’s capacities.”
– Chris Argyris
A truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
— Jules Renard
You can do this. I can help.