Most people would say if asked that being “nice” is a good thing.
Generally speaking, it’s a positive choice. Treating people with respect and courtesy, a general amount of kindness, not actively being a jerk – these are all widely considered good.
What happens, however, when you feel pressure or an obligation to “be nice” all the time?
Pressure to Be Nice
“Play nice!” “Be good!”
Moms everywhere have sent kids off to school or to play with those and similar admonishments.
Teachers and managers echo them in other ways.
Nobody points out that “nice” has a variable definition, and is often defined by someone with power over you, not you yourself.
When you start to feel like you have no other choice, you pressure yourself to comply and “be nice” even in the face of provocation.
Someone pushes your boundaries, and you feel obliged to “be nice,” so you respond indirectly or not at all.
They continue to transgress, and your internal pressure mounts, but you still feel you have to “be nice.”
Eventually, they push enough that you’ve had it. Your fuse has reached its limit, and you react out of the anger you’ve built up.
Then you beat yourself up and likely apologize for not being “nice.”
Break the Obligation
How do you avoid the reactive explosion?
Remind yourself that nice is a choice. Even if it’s one you prefer to choose most of the time.
By having the option to not be nice, you avoid the buildup that comes from having to be nice.
You can choose how to respond, knowing that you are not limited to the narrow “being nice” playbook.
It doesn’t mean you must be mean or rude. That can be an option, along with neutral or even nice choices.
When someone insults you, or demeans you, or crosses a clear boundary, you don’t need to react in anger and give back what you received. You also don’t need to limit yourself to some “nice” response that doesn’t serve you.
Letting go of “needing” to be nice frees your problem-solving from an unconscious constraint.
That can make the difference between:
- no response
- a “nice” reply that does nothing to change the situation
- a reactive explosion when you’re finally too mad to be “nice”
- a direct, clear response that indicates what you want without escalation
Let go of the belief that you “must” be “nice.” Choose your response to the world from all of the options, not ones that meet some nebulous definition of “nice.”
You’ll find you are able to set and keep boundaries more successfully.
You can do this. I can help.