If you’re like most human beings, you have a feeling of being “in control” and being “not in control.”
Wake up, do your exercise routine, eat, shower, arrive at work on time? “In control.”
Wake up late, skip workout and eating, maybe even the shower, arrive at work late? “Not in control.”
Step outside and get pooped on by a bird? “Not in control.”
Everything is going according to plan on your project? “In control.”
Missed a target date for any reason? “Not in control.”
Reality Bites
You live in a world where “control” is frequently used as an unconscious euphemism for “reality is happening the way I want it to.”
But reality doesn’t really care about your wants. Reality just is. It’s the total of trillions of
wants and actions combining and conflicting with each other.
Your picture of what “should” be happening diverges from reality. And often your reaction is to try to force reality to be what you wanted it to be. And sometimes, reality bites… you.
When it becomes clear that reality has bitten your carefully crafted plans in the butt, and there’s no denying it, that’s when you deploy coping strategies to deal with the upset.
Agency
The reality about reality is that “total control” is simply the illusion of control. It’s the feeling that things are going to continue to go the way you want them to.
Which is by no means guaranteed. Any of those trillions of wants and actions could change your plan in a moment. Which would mean you are “not in control.”
What matters is your agency. Do you consistently believe that you have agency, have the ability to act and respond?
That’s more reliable and valuable than the illusion that you control the world.
Being locked into the illusion of control leaves you “at effect” when things don’t go to plan. You’ve lost control, which leaves you feeling robbed of agency.
Committing to your agency, to your ability to choose, act, and respond, puts you “at cause” when it comes to “cause and effect.” When reality bites, you act to chart a course based on how things actually are, not how you wish they were.
Own your agency. Listen to your language of control, and replace it with language of ownership and agency.
You can do this. I can help.