What Coping Sounds Like
- “Can you believe this guy just stole credit for my work? What a jerk!”
- “That’s just how they operate, we just do what they tell us.”
- “I know better, I shouldn’t have done that.”
- “I have to go to this stupid meeting.”
Those and countless phrases like them are ways that we express choosing to cope. We adopt the notion that the problem is “out there” or “in here” and that it’s beyond our ability to do anything about other than live with it.
Let’s look at each of these
“Can you believe this guy just stole credit for my work? What a jerk!”
This might be something you say only inside your head. Or maybe you share it with a confidante via Slack during a meeting.
Either way, you’re not solving your real problem by complaining about it. You’ve chosen instead to lay blame on the jerk, and accept his theft.
By affixing blame, you can vent your feelings without addressing that your work is going unrecognized.
Not very satisfying.
“That’s just how they operate, we just do what they tell us.”
You’re saying that the problem is “out there” with “the situation/circumstances/company” and there’s nothing you can do about it.
In reality, you have lots of options.
You could push back on a “dumb” idea, suggest a different path, even leave the organization altogether.
Those choices may have risks or potential outcomes that feel uncomfortable, and that’s often why we steer away from them unconsciously.
“I shouldn’t have done that, I know better.”
I’ll bet you’ve said this or something like it more than a few times.
It’s common in achievers who have gotten feedback for “not getting it right” to self-scold.
I’d like you to consider this: if beating yourself up was going to work, it would have worked already.
Stop “should”-ing on yourself and acknowledge that even though you don’t have what you want right this moment, you can have it without soothing your “shortcoming” by blaming yourself.
“I have to go to this stupid meeting.”
Pause for a moment and check in with yourself. Have you ever said this (or something close)? What has been present for you when you said it?
I’m betting many of the following:
- You feel like the meeting adds little or no value for you
- You are frustrated/annoyed by one or more people in the meeting and how they act in some fashion
- You’ve either been shut down or seen people get shut down when trying to contribute to the meeting
- The meeting includes someone directly senior to you who impacts your career path and/or review
Lots of reasons to “not rock the boat” and “do what you’re supposed to do.” The future payoff of trying to “fix” the meeting (making it not be a waste of time) feels less certain and far less immediate than the risk of negative outcome of speaking up and facing imagined consequences.
For all of these moments, you’re stuck because you have competing wants. In the meeting one, you want to spend your time on stuff that matters, and you want to avoid blowback if you speak up to “fix” the meeting.
So what does knowing this mean?
Like G.I. Joe® said, “Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.”
So now what? Just stop doing these things and you’re all better?
Improv has a rule about “Yes, and…” that means you don’t say no, and you don’t say “but.” You accept what’s there in the moment and you build on it.
Yes, if you want to stop coping, you need to stop doing the things described above. Not 100%, especially not at first. Start with 1% less.
And, you need to develop skills that both help you choose coping less often, and make it easier to choose growth, ownership, and Responsibility. The most important of those skills are Intention, Awareness, and Confront.
You can do it. I can help.