Do you have moments where you wish you had said something and did not?
Or that you had done something instead of remaining still?
You ask yourself “Why?” Why didn’t I do the thing I wish I did?
Why did I do some other thing, instead of the thing I wanted to do?
You’ve been asking the wrong question.
How
“How did I not speak up?” Look closely at what happened. Did you hear a voice inside you saying “You shouldn’t say that”? Feel a sinking feeling in your gut when you wanted to speak? Imagine the reaction of your audience if you said what you wanted to, and didn’t like that imagined picture?
“Asking how moves us into awareness of what is, instead of seeing the world as a problem to be solved.” — Cheri Huber
“How” allows you to focus on what happened without automatically triggering your self-judgement. How helps you stay in the moment and look with curiosity, not judgement.
“Why” is prewired to evaluation, so you go straight to coping and criticism. “Why” engages problem-solving mode without information, leaving you trapped with a problem that feels too big and vague to solve. So you cope by beating yourself up.
Stop asking “What’s wrong with me?” and “Why do I do this?”
Ask “How does this work?”
Two Parts
Part of you desired a different outcome – speaking up, acting, etc.
But remember, part of you wanted the outcome that happened.
Accept that part and that want as valid.
You may compare the two wants and prefer one over the other when they’re both clear in your conscious mind.
You get caught when one of them is lurking in your subconscious, especially if it’s a want that your mind thinks is “protecting” you.
That want to be silent? Protecting you from perceived embarrassment, criticism, or shame. Or maybe worse.
It’s also based on the past. That part of your brain is predicting an outcome that might never happen, based on similar events from the past.
And since you’re unaware of what it’s doing, you don’t get to decide if it’s the same situation or not. It hijacks your decision to “protect” you.
The payoff you get when it decides for you is “safety” – freedom from feeling the feelings that your brain knows it dislikes.
Stop the Hijacking
The only way to avoid the hijacking is by making that want conscious, so you can compare and choose.
That’s why “How” is so important. Understanding how things sound, feel, and look when you get hijacked, and when you don’t get hijacked, gives you the key to becoming aware it’s about to happen before it’s too late.
“I’m feeling that feeling in my shoulders, like I’m hunching inwards. That means part of me is worried about being shamed. Do I think that being shamed is really likely, or is that letting history take over? Do I want to speak up more than I want to protect from the possibility of shame?”
Only you can answer that question. But if you aren’t aware enough to ask it, your subconscious will keep being the one that does.
Changing this takes practice, like learning any new skill.
You can do this. I can help.