You have those moments, where the anger, or fear, or stress descend like a fog.
A fog made up of all of those emotions you’ve suppressed, pushed away, buried.
And to avoid being overwhelmed by that stored-up intensity, you look for a way to cope.
The first coping option is to Lay Blame. The cause of your upset is “them,” and it’s “out there.”
They have to act in the way you need them to, in order to get what you want. And because you can’t “make them,” you can accept that you don’t get what you want.
You stuff the emotions back in a box and move on, until the next time it happens.
Stored Triggers
Many times, your move to coping through Lay Blame is based on your stored emotion finding a way to break out. Your suppressed emotions are seeking a release, and someone came along and provided an excuse.
Have you ever realized that you are mad and have no sense of what “they” did or said to cause it?
You’re reacting to both what is happening around you and to your stored emotions. And the emotion is running the show.
Intention to Change
The first step in changing this is Intention – what do you want and intend to be different?
Change happens far more reliably when you positively identify with the change. Think about what you want to happen, not what you want to not happen.
If you identify with and like the “changed” version of yourself, you’re more likely to endure the hard parts of the change process.
What feels more like something you want –
- “I don’t want to lay blame all the time, it’s bad when I do that.”
- “I want to be the person who is able to feel my emotions without them taking over, because that gets me more of what I want.”
You may refine your positive statement to make it less of a mouthful; it’s still a powerful attractor that will help you during the change process, when things get uncomfortable. Shaming yourself, as in the first example, lowers your energy and commitment because it adds pain to an already painful process of change.
Don’t shame yourself. You’re amazing and unique, and not deserving of shame.
It’s tempting to “dive right in” to making changes. The world has built a lot of inertia around notions like “move fast” and “being action oriented,” and that can make being Intentional and mindful feel uncomfortable.
Spend some time refining your Intention to change. What values does your change serve? Who will you be when the change happens?
This will likely bring some discomfort, as you explore your wants and feelings. Accept that as part of the process, and know that you’re strong enough to endure that as part of growing more completely into who you are.
You can do this. I can help.